Hey everyone! Remember this post I wrote 8 months ago about how American TV is derivative and less funny than television elsewhere? Remember how I cited "No Heroics" (British sitcom about superheroes' social lives) as an example of original, clever and funny television?

Well, naturally, it's being re-made for the United States. Only this time, it's being co-written by one of the writers from Friends and starring Freddie Prinze, Jr. I couldn't make this shit up.

It's official. The Eleventh Doctor will be played by Matt Smith, a British stage actor who is 26 years old.

Fuck.

If only I had been born in Britain, were 2 years older, had acting talent, and bore a handsomely rogueish face, then I could now have the most awesome job in the world.

One of my goals in life is to recite every line of dialogue from the original Star Wars trilogy in a context where they make perfect sense.

It turns out that some Star Wars dialogue is easier to work with than others. Some lines can fit in almost anywhere:

• "You will never see a more wretched hive of scum and villainy."


• "Never tell me the odds!"


• "I don't believe it!" / "That... is why you fail."


• "It's a trap!"

and, of course


• "I've got a bad feeling about this."

Other lines seem like they'd be difficult (or at least difficult to say without sounding totally insensitive), but can be said with a straight face if you concentrate. (And, in fact, have already been used by me.)

• "I love you." / "I know."


• "Then my father is truly dead."


• "Get clear [name or codename], you can't do anymore good back there!"


• "Young fool. Only now, at the END, do you understand!"

However, there are a few lines that I fear I will probably have to stretch the meaning of to work into any sort of realistic context.

• "That's no moon. It's a space station."


• "Oh, I'm afraid the deflector shield will be quite operational when your friends arrive."


• "I have the death sentence on twelve systems!"


• "The Son of Skywalker must not become a Jedi."

and, perhaps most disappointingly,


• "No. I am your father."

Suggestions on how to work in the more difficult lines are welcome!

American television networks are run by talking monkeys. Talking monkeys, I say! I don't have a television, but if I did I would totally be embarrassed if I ever turned it on.

This television season features at least four British import-remakes: "Worst Week," "Life on Mars," "Eleventh Hour," and, I kid you not, "Little Britain USA." On top of that, we're also borrowing-and-ruining several shows from Australia and Israel. This is to say nothing of the ongoing efforts remake hits like "The IT Crowd," "Spaced," and "Red Dwarf." God help us if that ever happens.

Why Hollywood feels the need to remake programs that are already English-language and stuff them with washed up actors we've all grown to hate is beyond me. (Britain certainly has no problem airing American television as-is.) I guess we Americans are just too stupid to understand people with funny accents or something. But, seriously, how can you possible Americanize a show title "Little Britain." It has a foreign country in the fucking title!

The few good ideas that American tv has continue to get ignored, cancelled and shoved into obscurity. Last year's awesome sci-fi nerd-reference-bonanza "The Middleman" got stuck on ABC Family, of all places, and appears to have been dumped after 12 episodes. Joss Whedon's new show "Dollhouse," hasn't even aired yet and Fox is already talking about canceling it. (You'd think he would have learned the first time...) Meanwhile, we've also got a crappy CG Star Wars series, which I'm sure will run for seventeen stupid seasons or something.

It's just embarrassing. Especially when I keep seeing awesome new British TV shows such as ITV's "No Heroics," a British sitcom about the social lives of superheroes:



*sigh* At least 30 Rock is still on.

Dear America,

Are we done yet?

You've had a nice run. There've been some crazy times. Remember beating up Spain? Oh man! I'll be telling stories about that one for ages. And who can forget landing on the moon? I sure can't! That was awesome. Humphrey Bogart is pretty cool, too.

But let's be reasonable. Those three achievements alone are more than most countries can claim in their lifetime. Heck, China's been around for ages, and they've never beat up Spain, landed on the moon, or produced Humphrey Bogart!

So, I think it's time we called it a day.

That's right, you heard me. If we stop now, we can go out with a bang, and quit while we're ahead. If we keep going, we'll just drag out the whole process and make everyone feel awkward.

Think about it - How humiliated will you feel, America, when you get invaded by hairy Canadians? How awkward will it be when you have to admit to your friends that you've just elected your first scientologist President? What will you tell other countries when your people start talking in Leetspeak non-ironically? When your intellectualism is replaced with hipsterdom? When Idiocracy's "Brawndo" ceases to be a parody of consumerism, and instead becomes an actual consumer product? (Actually, that last one already happened.)

It will be a painful moment. You will be kicked off the cool kids table and mocked, mercilessly. You will feel insecure, you will cry, and you will wonder what happened as you scrape your dignity off the floor.

I know what you're thinking. "That won't happen to me! I'm America! America, the beautiful! The proud! The brave! I'm indestructible!"

No, you're not. And that day will come. And you will not like it. Better to avoid that whole unpleasant business.

So that's why I say you should get out now, while it's still good! You'll be remembered for being that scrappy little guy who came to power so quickly! The small but flawed startup who pulled herself by her bootstraps and became a success story. That friendly country who knew when to gracefully leave the stage, leaving the world to remember her fondly.

All of this is to say: America, please cede yourself back over to the United Kingdom as soon as possible. It would make it much easier for me to immigrate there.

Love, Greg

(Yes, I ask what my country can do for me. So sue me.)

"So, the other thing I like about Doctor Who is-"

"Greg, has there ever been a time when we've hung out and you *haven't* mentioned Doctor Who at least once?"

"Yes. Yes, there must've been."

"Are you sure? I feel like-"

"I mean, I know I started talking about Doctor Who the first time we met. But I'm fairly certain there must have been at least one time that I haven't talked about it. At least one."

I had an awesome birthday. Wes came to visit, and I even convinced him to stay an extra day. There was much DotA, and drinking, and Kung Fu Panda.

Regarding the gathering at Cashion's: Thanks much to all who attended - I really appreciated your presence. There were certainly more of you than I expected (and more than I invited!) I'm sorry if I didn't get to spend as much time entertaining you as I ought have. Anyway, thanks all. It was sweet, and really satisfying to see as many people present as there were. My best birthday ever? Yes. Here's to a sweet year 24.

Also, my sister is a certified wildfire-fighter and is probably cooler than you.

As an experiment, I've decided to review a moment of my life in terms of the consumer products that were involved in that moment. The first in a series? Probably not, given my track record.

Amtrak

The value of Amtrak is usually discussed in the context of whether or not it makes any significant contribution to the national interest, and if so, how much money should be used to subsidize it and what expectations it should be held to in return. I don't care about Amtrak's value in this context. Instead, let's discuss Amtrak's value to me, as a traveler and consumer, on this Sunday afternoon.

This Sunday afternoon, I am traveling home to Washington, D.C. from Providence, Rhode Island via Amtrak. The total trip time is nine hours long, considerably longer than a plane ticket for the same distance, although this does not take into account any travel time to/from an airport or the time spent going through airport security, both of which could potentially add several hours to the total trip time. Amtrak is also a bit more expensive: $80 for each leg of a round-trip train ticket, as compared to $110 round-trip airfare.

Still, there's something to be said for its charm. The seats are spacious, albeit utilitarian. I have complete freedom to get up and walk from car to car, as well as purchase a few disgusting snacks from the restaurant cabin. It's also convenient to have electric plugs alongside the walls of the cars, enabling me to type this in my laptop as I ride without worrying about battery life.

The most compelling reason for Amtrak, though, might be the sense of connection it gives me with other nearby cities. Sitting in a train and watching bits of the East Coast pass by reminds me that we live in a continuous continent, rather then a series of disparate cities with airport terminals that might as well be a sadistic interpretation of the transporters from Star Trek. It's also somewhat charming to see the various train stations scattered throughout New England and their strange naming conventions. (An awful lot of them are named either "Union" or "Penn.") The whole system conjures up an image of bygone eras when phrases like "nationalized infrastructure" could sound comforting and unifying, rather than Orwellian and oppressive as they do now.

In conclusion, if you're traveling through New England, can spare a little extra money and appreciate convenience and charm, then Amtrak might be for you. B

She & Him - Volume One

This CD was given to me by a friend in exchange for the Stars album "Do You Trust Your Friends?" I think it was a fair trade.

She & Him has a sound that is somewhere between folk and "oldies." (In fact, several of the songs on the CD are covers of love songs from the 50s and 60s.) The music is soft and quiet, but fast enough that it wouldn't be completely ridiculous to try to dance to some of it. The lead female vocalist sounds like a slightly twangy version of your mother singing lullabies to put you to bed.

Lyrically, She and Him is cute enough to be pop, but not quite vapid enough. It's your standard love song mix of I-like-you, I-love-you, and finally Why-don't-you-don't-love-me-anymore songs, which gives it a girly, old-fashioned feel.

I don't think I'd listen to Volume One when I'm feeling sad and want to sulk. I also don't think I'd listen to them when I'm happy and want to rock out and celebrate. However, for a Sunday afternoon train ride, they seem strangely appropriate. B-

"Feel Good World" Branded Warm-Up Jacket from American Apparel

This is a soft, 100% cotton warm-up jacket that was given to me for free from one of my clients. I've basically been wearing it all weekend, and I don't regret it. This jacket is light enough to never feel awkward, warm enough to keep me snug through the Boston wind I experienced, and red enough to go with most of my outfits. It also makes a great pillow if you're crashing on a friend's couch and need one.

Although I didn't pay for this jacket, I totally would have. All proceeds from clothing sales at Feel Good World go directly into their mission of ending world hunger. This isn't just donations to food supply organizations, either - the money goes only to carefully chosen organizations in impoverished areas of the world that help create sustainable, local economies to help eliminate their dependence on donations or foreign aid. The jacket itself is made in "Downtown LA" according to the label, so hopefully not too much exploitation of Chinese factory workers took place in its creation.

This jacket is super-comfortable - so much so, that I'm still wearing it after three days. The money goes to a great cause, too, so there's no reason not to love it. A

Vienna Fingers

I bought box of these last night in Boston when I was about to get drink with Andy and Phil. We didn't actually eat them then, so I brought them with me to snack on during the train ride home.

A Vienna Finger features two vanilla-flavored cookies with some sugary-creme stuff in between. Sort of like a blonde, elongated Oreo. When I made the decision to purchase them, I remembered a sweet, crunchy vanilla flavor from my childhood, filled with some vague taste of innocence. However, it turns out that this memory was somewhat colored.

Let me say right now - Vienna Fingers are not very good. They're not absolutely terrible, but they're certainly not good. I've eaten maybe four of them during the entire ride, which is a pretty poor showing for junk food. The cookie is bland, and the creme is sweet in that really artificial way that I loved when I was a kid, but can't stand now. It's just sort of like eating uninteresting carbs that fill you up with no satisfaction. Andy was right, I should have bought something with chocolate in it.

Also, the packing is lame and easily stepped on when placed on the floor beneath my train seat. And they don't connect thematically with my trip, either. I guess they're slightly cheaper than Amtrak food, though. D-

Riding Amtrak, Listening to She & Him, Eating Vienna Fingers and Wearing a Feel Good World Jacket on a Sunday Afternoon

I can't say this is the most exciting Sunday I've ever had. Nor is it the most cost-efficient.

Still, traveling has the relaxing effect of cutting me off from my day-to-day bullshit. Nine hours in an isolated Amtrak car also gives me time to appreciate things like the CDs that people have given me, the comfort of my awesome jacket, and the blandness of mass-produced desserts. Listening to She & Him while watching passing landmarks through the window makes me feel nostalgic without feeling depressed, which is awesome. And this jacket is wicked awesome.

I think I would do this again, though maybe not too often. B

So here's an idea I had a few weeks ago. What if American filmmaker Frank Capra and German surrealist Franz Kafka had been combined into the same person?

Creating such classic films as...

It's a Wonderful Metamorphosis!

In small-town America, a young Gregor Bailey is forced to take over his father's ailing Building & Loan to prevent the town from being controlled by an evil Mr. Potter. After years of unappreciated toil at the bank, Gregor declares that he wishes he had been born a roach. To Gregor's surprise, he suddenly finds that he has, in fact, transformed into a giant bug. As he wanders around town, seeking help, no one recognizes him or even remembers the good deeds he has done for the town. Eventually, feeling nothing but disgust for himself and the meaninglessness of all of existence, he crawls into the offices of Mr. Potter, who promptly squashes him.

And such unfinished literary masterpieces as...

Mr. Smith Goes to Trial

Josefferson S., a young boy scout leader from small-town America, is abruptly arrested for an unspecified reason and forced to navigate a never-ending maze of existential bureaucracy. No one will tell Josef what he has been accused of or why he is being held. However, determined to make the best of it, Josef decides to filibuster his way through the system by lecturing anyone who will listen about truth, justice, and the American dream, explaining that he has been set up by a corrupt political machine, and that if only the people of America could hear his pleas, they would exonerate him. [The direction the ending would have taken is unclear, but scholars speculate that Josef would then have suddenly turned into a giant bug and been killed.]

I totally called this two years ago!

Perfect Prosecutor

This is the best freaking news I have ever heard!! OMFG@#$%^@*#&*@!!!